The Current State of My Heart

This entry is a little different. It doesn't have a lot about what I've been doing because I think you've been seeing a lot of that. I do plan on an update soon with my ministry and what's happening in the community, but I really felt like sharing what's on my heart and just being honest with where I'm at, so here it goes...

You see, I have a tendency to just coast through life. I get everything in order as best I can and hope that nothing really important happens to derail life as I know it. When I get in this mode I can tend to overlook the seemingly small details that in all reality will change my life. While taking a personal holiday in Johannesburg God kind of got my attention. While lost in a slightly dodgey part of town I got into a car accident. Now, everyone was fine, it was just a fender bender, but it shook me up a bit. What really became the problem was that I was stuck alone in Johannesburg with very little hope of immediate rescue. So I spent a few days where I was staying, relatively alone accept for the occasional visits of the one friend I had in Joburg, waiting for someone to drive out there and get me. Well, God showed up. He began to show me that I was beginning to coast through my year here in South Africa. It's not that I'm not doing anything. I mean, I have a ministry with the Zimbabwe refugees, I have my teaching times here with Nieucommunities, I have my house chores, and in the end a plethora of other things to keep me busy. Funny thing is, He didn't call me to South Africa to be busy, He called me here to change my life. All these opportunities for ministry are great and the teaching times and relationships are awesome, but if I'm only going skin deep, if I'm skimming on the assignments, not really doing my reading, not going deep with my friends, no, my family here, than what's really changing my life? The answer would be nothing. It's possible to do all the right things and be in all of the right places and never allow your heart to be transformed. I decided that's not what I wanted and it has made all the difference. This last month has been one of the most amazing months of my time here and the best way that I can explain it is that I'm paying attention to the little things. Do I get it right every day? No. Am I experiencing the grace, mercy and love of God? Yes.

I have a friend Will who recently posted a blog talking about identity. He spoke about how he feels like God is restoring his identity, and I think that is true for me as well. I think for too long we've allowed our identity as the beloved children of God to be stolen from us by the lies of the enemy that make us think that we just aren't good enough, whatever that means for each person. It could be a vice, character flaw, something you've done, something you haven't done, what others are saying about you, what they're not saying... all these things and many, many more can cause us to buy into the lies that seem to put a wall up between us and God. It's a wall, my friends, that we were never meant to scale. Earlier in this year I got a picture in my head of a wall in my heart. This wall wasn't something that I was supposed to climb or tear down, I was just supposed to wait. It seemed like the answers to a lot of questions I have, questions about God, my calling, my future, and such were behind this wall, but there was nothing I could to to tear it down myself. I can see now that He's been tearing the wall down from His side and I'm catching glimpses, some larger than others, of what He's doing in my life. The funny thing is He isn't answering any of my questions. Instead He's showing me who I am. Not who I think I am, but the person He is molding and shaping me to be. This is causing me to face up to a lot of the lies and what damage they've done, but He's calling me back. He's renewing me. In following Him, His calling, mission, and love, I am learning to truly be a follower of Jesus, to be His disciple. We were talking today about how to communicate what it is we do here, a summation statement of sorts. It boils down to this:

We are a missional community helping others to follow in the ways of Jesus.

I pray that this is true of me, that it is true of us all.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I really don't deserve it, I know, but for some reason God saw it fit in this time to allow all of us to journey together even though it may be halfway across the world. Let me know how you all are, how I can be praying for you and encouraging you!