This is my sick face...

So this week is the last week of our submerging posture. Our final big assignment was to go for three days (Tuesday - Thursday) to stay with people that we've made friends with. Since Jody and I had been spending so much time with the Zimbabwe refugees, it seemed natural that we would go and stay with them. So we made the plans, figured it out as best we could, talked to the people there, decided what we were going to do about food, pretty much everything, right?

Well Sunday morning we had planned on going to church, but when I woke up something was wrong. I had quite a bad sore throat. I spent the whole day trying to chill, feel better, but by Monday it got really bad. By the time Tuesday came around, a full on flu hit me and there was no way I was going anywhere. You see, to stay with the refugees meant to stay out in the elements. Its not like super freezing cold or anything, but cold enough to where it just wasn't wise to stay out there in my condition. I hoped that maybe it would improve so that I could come out and stay the next night, but no such luck. Tonight is the last night of the assignment and here I am at home, still sick. I've improved, but still not a good idea to go and sleep outside all night. On top of that, the last thing I want to do is to get someone out there sick where they have enough to deal with as is.

So I guess my problem is, why now?!? Why couldn't this have happened like a week earlier? A week later? Why when I have such an opportunity do I have to get sick at the most inopportune time? My tendency in this situation is to get down on myself, as if I could have predicted or stopped myself from getting sick, and to think that I'm useless, or that I'm not pleasing God by just sitting around the house being sick. I should be out there! Sometimes I wondered if I should have just gone out there, sacrificed my body, trusted God with my health and done it anyways. Just when I was really starting to give myself a guilt trip this verse came to mind:

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:16,17

Just like He's been telling me this whole year, He speaks to me again and says that He loves my heart. Doing this assignment isn't going to make God love me more. Sure it's a good idea and probably would have been a life changing experience, but it wouldn't have made God anymore pleased with me than he already is. I wonder when I'll learn that? It will probably be a lifelong process of understanding, messing up, falling at His feet, gaining new understanding, messing up again, repeat cycle.

Father, break my heart...

Community Fun!

So we had this really good conversation on community and expectations today so I figured I'd share it with you. It's cleverly titled "Myths of Community ". Also I'm on my fourth cup of coffee today so I have a lot of energy.

We started out the conversation with a clip from the movie "The Beach". In a nutshell, the movie is about a world traveler named Richard who stumbles onto a map to a Utopian community living on an island. The rest of the film finds him and a few friends finding this beach and living there for sometime, only to find that their expectations of community life fall apart. It's an ok movie if your interested in sketchy dialog but a pretty intriguing plot.

But, I digress...

The whole point of that was watching the end of the movie, seeing their expectations not being met, and then seeing "utopia" fall apart. In that we looked at an illustration of the flow of community life. I even took a picture for you!


In this illustration we look at five different aspects of community life:
Casual, Pseudo-Community, Chaos, Catharsis, and Deep Community.

Casual - 1: subject to, resulting from, or occurring by chance casual meeting>2 a: occurring without regularity : occasional <casual employment> b: employed for irregular periods casual worker> c: met with on occasion and known only superficially casual friend>

In the casual stage, it's exactly what is sounds like. In a sense everyone is putting on their best show and conversation is limited to neutral topics like the weather or something. Every community/friendship/small group starts here.

Pseudo - 1 : false : spurious <pseudoclassic>
Community - 1: a unified body of individuals b: the people with common interests living in a particular area
When you hit pseudo-community, you start going a little deeper. You can talk about yourself to a degree, letting people in to more personal aspects of your life but still keeping them at an arms length. Conversation about deeper spirituality can be found here, but very little real personal investment needs to be made. The reality is that most small groups/bible studies/communities never make it past this, mainly because of the limited amount of face time/personal time spent with each other. They are happy with this place because the masks can still be on if you want them to be.

Chaos - 3 a: a state of utter confusion
This is where things get interesting: chaos. In the illustration this is where we go into the dark tunnel. This is where there has been a significant amount of personal investment but all the expectations you've brought haven't exactly been met. This can manifest itself in many ways, but can also be ignored. A lot of people think that chaos is a problem and try to ignore it.We believe that chaos has no place in christian community. We avoid it and never want to move past pseudo-community. The reality is that this is a healthy progression in community life. There are a lot of expectations about community that most of us deal with and will just fester in our hearts unless they are brought to light through chaos. You NEED to allow chaos to move forward. There is reality that not everyone is perfect, therefore you won't love everyones little quirks, or some of the big quirks. The best part is that you, yes YOU, have issues. And eventually those issues are going to bother someone. At some point that someone won't be able to take it anymore and that will create chaos. How you deal with it is what decides whether or not you can move on. I think I've stressed this point quite enough.

Catharsis - 2 a: purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b: a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension 3: elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression
This, my friends, is the next step: catharsis. I love the definition, because there is this idea that when your emotions come to bear there is some sort of purification and spiritual renewal. Now we are again coming from the realization that we aren't perfect and this process may have a few flaws, so keep that in mind. This really is kind of coupled with chaos because it's part of the release that chaos needs. It's like hot lava in a volcano that needs to force it's way out, or, like the illustration, a coming from darkness into light (a slightly less violent way than the volcano, but you get the point). At this point in the community we begin to try and work with chaos, finding a way to make relationships right, learning to love in spite of faults, or just letting your emotions out for everyone to know how you feel. Now this is something that needs to be done with a bit of discretion depending on your audience. Not that honesty is a bad thing, but sometimes sharing how angry you are with so-and-so in the group in front of the whole group doesn't do anyone any good. Since we are thinking of this in terms of healthy community (basically that healthy communities go through this cycle) we are assuming that God is in this equation. Asking for guidance in this process is key. Community will never make it without serious reliance on Him. Through this process beautiful and painful things can happen all at the same time. When you share your heart in the hard times there is a purging that happens, a release in your spirit. You begin to walk in the truth of who you are and who the community is. Only then can you move to the next phase.

Deeper - 1: extending far from some surface or area: as a: extending far downward deep well> b (1): extending well inward from an outer surface
The last part of this cycle is deeper community. This is where a synthesis of chaos and catharsis creates an openness and a trust in which you don't move past someones faults but you learn to love them with their faults. You begin to recognize the Christ in others as they see the Christ in you. Now instead of the word deep we use the word deeper in it's place because there is this idea of constantly moving forward in this. The reality is that this cycle repeats itself. Not the whole cycle, but I think the last three are in constant motion. There are always new things to learn about yourself and others, so chaos and catharsis with be revisited. This, however, is coupled with the promise that when dealt with deeper community will follow each time. There is no end to the depth that you can reach with God and community, so there is always a need for love and grace.

As an aside, I think the opposite can be true in thought, that healthy communities don't go through this cycle and that God isn't in this. I think you can be absolutely focused on God as a community, seeking Him in all things and go through chaos/catharsis. I'll even go as far as to say you have to go through these to experience deep community. I know this idea is repeated throughout this entire blog, but on the other hand I don't think I can stress this point enough. God will allow you to feel pain, rejection, anger, frustration, etc. to help you a) realize you are human, broken, and in need of Him and b) so everyone else can see that about you and it can cause you to humble yourself to the community. Everyone needs a little humility now and again...

Now that's a lot to think about and even in writing this blog my head is spinning and I think I need a nap. So for anyone who has braved it this far into this entry, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. This is a conversation that didn't start with me and won't end with me. It's a conversation that we will be having in faith communities for years to come and I'm glad that I can take part. So if there is anything you would like to agree with, challenge, add, or just vent about, let me know and we can keep going. There are lot's of different types of communities and people so I can't imagine that this model is the model to define all models. That's why God made us creative. So about that nap...

Time to listen!

So hello everyone! It's valentines day and to make nice with the girls here us guys bought them flowers and left them outside their rooms. It was a smash hit, they loved them. So at least we'll be on their good side for a little while. Make sure that you show some love to that special person in your life today!

So this past weekend to bring an end to our orientation we had a day of silence/solitude. It was a day to reflect on what God was doing in our hearts as we had been exploring and understanding culture, community, and ourselves. It was a little strange for me, because as most people know I like to talk! I started the day off not really being sure what to expect. I did some reading and some chores around the house, but in the evening God really started to speak. I spent some time in prayer in one of our garden on my favorite bench just asking God about all the things I had experienced. The main thing on my heart was how I had been going through these ups and downs of homesickness. It was just like God calmed me and told me it would be ok. The next day I woke up and I couldn't wait to see the people here in the community. Not just because I couldn't talk for a whole day, but because I actually missed them. For me that changed the whole dynamic of living here. It's finally starting to feel like home.

Some of the things that you experience when you go overseas for an extended period of time can't necessarily be avoided. Things like homesickness, culture shock, loneliness, these are all unavoidable. But it gives God the opportunity to speak into your life. My biggest problem coming over here was the thought that I'll have my sad moments leaving everyone in the states and then when I come here everything will be ok. God shattered that pride in my life and has been teaching me that sometimes it's not about avoiding these issues but trusting Him to pull me through. What a lesson it has been!

One thing I realized after all this time is that I haven't really introduced all the people I'm sharing my life with. You've seen pictures but you don't really know who they are. So, lets get to it.

From left to right:
Amanda Beam, Laura Wardrip, Some Guy, Kellie Laurson, Mariah Cocke,
Jody Thomas, Roger Saner

These are all of the apprentices that I will be with for the next year. They have quickly moved from strangers to friends, and hopefully by the end of the year I can consider them family. Together we will learn what it means to be community, the good, the bad, and the goofy picture takers (that means you Roger).

So as I said last time this week we have moved into the Listening posture. This means taking time to understand what it means to listen to God, the culture, and those closest to us. We are continuing to listen to God through practicing lent. We have a devotional written by CRM staff that we are using to facilitate. It has been amazing how each day, each scripture and each meditation has been so pertinent to what we are doing. If you want to join in on what we are doing just follow this link and you can have the devotionals sent straight to your email. I know lent has already started but I think that it would be worthwhile for anyone to read these devotionals.

Another thing is going and listening to local ministries and NGO's to hear about what they are doing here in Pretoria to make a difference. One ministry we have been to and we are going to get a chance next week to get more in depth with is called Tshwane Leadership Foundation (TLF). Their goal is to work with churches and communities for urban transformation. Some of the outreaches that they have are focused on are poverty, child prostitution, women in crisis, homelessness and street kids, advocacy on womens issues, AIDS/HIV outreach and so much more.

Another NGO that we will be checking out is called Tutela, which is a center for children ages 0-17 who, under the governments child care act have no where else to turn. They are cared for but are still in need of love and spiritual guidance because there simply aren't enough workers here to help. This was evident even when I called them to try and schedule a time where we could come in and meet the staff and work with the kids and they were too busy to talk.

Sometimes when I look around at even the little bit that we have been exposed to I wonder how I could even make a difference. There is so much need and so much hurt that I can't imagine being able to make a real difference. The truth is that only the love of Christ can make a real impact and we have to be obediant to do what we can when we can. Please be praying for us in this time of listening that God directs each one of us to the area of ministry that we can be most effective in and also the area where we feel most challenged and our unique abilities and personalities are being used.

So until next time I love you all and keep in touch! I know some people have emailed me and I just haven't had a chance to get back to you but I promise that each and every one will be returned!

Settling in for the year

So it seems that things are starting to move towards normalcy here (as normal as it can feel to live halfway across the world). Though I'm still dealing with bouts of homesickness and such I'm coming through with a sense of clarity and purpose. It seemed funny to me that we didn't start the year off hitting the ground running, but with Nieucommunities everything and every time has a purpose, even free time. A lot of what we've been doing here in the last week has been very team oriented. The pictures you are about to see (and the one from the top) are from Kwalata Game Ranch where we spent the day doing some team building activities. It was hard to take pictures while being involved, but I had one of the guys there take pictures of what was my favorite activity. We had to take a rope make it form a perfect square with 90 degree angles. The trick is we had to do it blindfolded. You can see how well it turned out.








As you can see, it actually worked. The exercise taught us a lot about listening to each other and leadership. You can probably see at one point there were only four of us holding the rope in the middle. We had to figure out the corners while everyone else waited for further instruction. Then when we sorted everything out the rest of the team had to come in and build from there. It showed that there are sometimes where we need to wait and be quiet and other times where we need to get up and go while the ones who were leading had to be quiet. In the end it took all of us to complete the square, so we couldn't have done it without the team. It was a lot of fun but also a very important lesson.

On the way out we spotted some local wildlife. These guys are called Springbok and were nice enough to hang out while I snapped some photos.



Another cultural activity we got to participate in during this past week was playing/watching some cricket. As an intro to the game we played some garden cricket which we pretty funny to watch and play as you'll see. Then this weekend we got a chance to go to a 50 over match (meaning an 8 hour match) which was surprisingly engaging and fun to watch. This match also had some serious cultural relevance because it was Shaun Pollocks last match. Shaun Pollock was one of the best cricketers in the game and his retirement brought out a large and overwhelmingly emotional response from South Africans and some of our staff members alike.

At the match

A couple pictures of Shaun Pollock if anyone is curious

So while in Johannesburg we got a chance to check out some very culturally relevant sites. Below is a picture of the Nelson Mandela statue in none other than Nelson Mandela Square. It was erected on March 31, 2004 to honor the famous South African statesman. It stands 6 meters tall and is quite impressive in person


We then got a chance to go to the Apartheid Museum. It was a hard museum to walk through, to see what people were subjected to due to years of fear that then turned to hatred. It was very sobering to see what can happen when power is taken too far. We weren't permitted to take any pictures in the museum, but I got the chance to take a couple at the end as we walked out. They are just words that represent ideals that South Africa is now rebuilding a nation on.




Last week got a chance to go out and see some of the local ministries and hear the stories of the people who started them. One place we went was to an orphanage called House of Joy and ate lunch with it's founder Thobile. When she was a school teacher she began to have children show up to class who hadn't eaten in days and had nothing to eat for lunch. Then as she began to investigate she found that some of these children had lost their parents to AIDS and had grandparents who couldn't support them. So she started providing for them, feeding them, and helping their grandparents support them. Eventually she left school teaching, even though she had her own family to support, and started caring for these children full time. Now she houses 8 orphans full time and hosts a daycare/school for those who can't afford it for around 95 students up to age 5. They also run an after school computer program for high school students who want to learn because the schools don't have computers. They rely completely on the support of churches and government organizations, truly believing that God can sustain all their needs. These are some pictures of our lunch together with her and her staff.








So this week was also a chance to take a look at what the rest of the year will look like for us as apprentices. With this week ending our orientation we will be moving into our postures. One definition of posture is a mental or spiritual attitude. For us they will look something like this:

Listening: Learning to listen to God, to our hearts, and to the culture around us.

Submerging: Being the hands and feet of Jesus in the neighborhoods we live in.

Inviting: Becoming fragrant followers of Jesus who gather people around a compelling story.

Contending: Fighting well for the lives and faith of those God has brought into our lives.

Imagining: Seeing and embracing what God has created for us and preparing to engage the next leg of our mission.

Entrusting: Preparing those we have served to go on with God and encouraging them to pass on what they've received.


That picture at the end just represents the idea that this is a cycle of living. Each one of these postures builds upon the next, so it's not like when we enter the submerging posture we stop listening to God and so forth. Like I've said in previous posts, this will be an opportunity for us to explore ministries and opportunities for ministry in the surrounding communities and really hear from God about what he would have us do this year. The postures will also be supplemented by books we will be reading and also specific parts of scripture that we will implement in our times together as well as times of solitude.

Another cool thing we are going to be doing as a community is that starting this Wednesday we will be participating in lent. It sometimes seems like an old boring tradition, but God can sometimes be found in tradition. It's amazing to know that when we are participating in daily readings and prayers for that we will be joining in with a global community of believers that will be preparing to celebrate Easter and learn what it means to share in the death and resurrection of our Lord and Saviour. This is definitely new ground for me but I am excited to see how God is going to shape and transform our community through this time.

So that's what's been going on in the last week or so. It's been busy but good. I hope to hear back from everyone so I can hear some news from home. I love you all and have a great week!